On the World Race, we do these things called Journey Markers. Journey Markers are essentially devotionals my squad mentor, Megan, puts together and sends out to the squad. The purpose is to create intentional space for the teams within our squad to come together and read scripture and talk about what the Lord is teaching us and just dive into what we’re learning.
On our last journey markers, we read Matthew 24:42-47. Verse 43 reads “But know this, that if the master of the house had known in what part of the night the thief was coming, he would have stayed awake and would not have let his house be broken into”, which lead my mentor to ask us, “Has your house been broken into?”
This thought-provoking question made me realize, yeah my house has been broken into and the enemy broke into it a month ago.. and I hadn’t even realized!
As I sat in that question, I started recalling all the things the enemy killed and all the things he stole and destroyed within me — physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I thought back to Guatemala when members of my squad hurt my feelings by the way they reacted to me and I never spoke up. Instead, I started a pile of hurt and held it, secretly, against them. I remembered how in Costa Rica I felt like my passion was being perceived as aggression and felt deeply misunderstood by the community I’ve been placed in. And guess what I did about it? Nothing. I silently added it to the pile of hurt in my heart and I began to remove myself from the community (as much as one could.. living in the jungle with no internet access or place to hide made it hard but my stubbornness didn’t stop me). Then, I remembered my final straw. I had received some feedback about my photography & videography skills that was the final blow. A leader told me some ways I can grow (because I asked for feedback) but with this pile of hurt already weighing on my heart & mind, all I heard was the ways I’m not good enough.
That led to me completely shutting off. I didn’t want to be on the race anymore. I didn’t want to be a part of the community. I didn’t want to post a blog or share my photos. I didn’t want to even pick up my camera! And most of all, I definitely didn’t want to open up my heart to anyone to let them know about this hurt or cause more hurt.
I sat in my hurt… No, actually I held onto my hurt as an excuse and willingly allowed the enemy to come in and create more damage and tell me more lies. And I let fear step in and control everything.
But, because we have such a sweet, tender-loving Father who cares deeply for us and our hurt, and is the first to show up to rescue us and bring perspective, I ended up at this sweet place called Ciudad Refugio in Medellin, Colombia.
Even though I had this hurt & fear taking me over, the Lord brought me to a safe place. Literally. He brought me to an actual shelter where homeless men & women come to find refuge and have the space to choose recovery and learn about Jesus.
I fell deeply in love with Ciudad Refugio. So in love, I am at the point where I think I’d willingly drop everything and move to Medellín, Colombia to serve here for the rest of my life, even though I don’t speak a lick of Spanish!
My hardening heart was quickly stopped in its tracks. The Lord placed me in a tender shelter where the people loved me endlessly & thoroughly. I could, and probably will, write many blogs about the incredible people who has poured into my heart — Rebekah & her daughter, Isabella. John & Yeyson who literally brought a smile to my face the second I met them! Then there’s Pastor Douglas who told me, “Never lose your sense of humor in ministry.” This is also the same man who orchestrated a fake funeral as a joke… Yep. I present to you the pastor, ladies and gentlemen!
My mentor was able to fly out to Colombia and participate in ministry with us for a week. During that week, she sat with me in the bakery (which is run by and located at Ciudad Refugio) and we had a one on one. Honestly, our conversation ended up being a reality check for me. Megan quickly saw the hurt I was holding onto and pressed into it so she could pour life & love into me. I sat there crying my eyes out, feeling defeated and embarrassed and Megan held my hand (literally held my sweaty hand) and helped me to see the freedom & healing the Lord has for me concerning my hurt.
I share this because I didn’t realize it at the time but the Lord was shifting my perspective.
On our last Sunday at Ciudad, we had a visiting pastor from North Carolina who spoke about shifting perspective to see the exit route the Lord has in place for us through trials.
During that sermon, I realized my exit route was to release my hurt to the Lord, have a couple of hard conversations with my squad mates/ leaders/ or anyone who I had buried in my pile of hurt, and trust that the Lord will bring healing and something good from it all like He’s promised.
And He did.
That following week, we went into our month 8 debrief. (Debrief is a week of one-on-ones, sessions with our leadership, and a time to reflect on our experience on the race.. also, it’s a time to just have fun and unwind from ministry if necessary!)
Day two of debrief, my squad mate, Bliz, spoke about clear communication and all the ways the Lord was growing her in that! With every word that came out of her mouth, I heard the Lord tell me, “Hanna, it’s time to have a hard conversation and lay your hurt down at my feet… I have more for you.”
Then my mentor had an activity planned after Bliz spoke where we paired up and spoke life over each other. I was able to look my squad mates in the eyes and see them as the Lord sees them and I got to tell them that! With each squadmate I spoke to, I released more and more of my hurt and chose unity and community!
I ended that activity seeking out clear communication with the ones I needed to have a hard conversation with. I laid my pride, my hurt, and the fear that ‘no one will understand or care’ down and let the Lord come in.
Within the next couple of minutes, I found myself surrounded by my squad as they laid their hands on me, praying for healing. Praying over my hurt, praying over my broken-into-house, praying for a new perspective, praying for a fresh wind of the spirit, praying for restoration, and praying that the lies the enemy has told me repeatedly for a month would be cast out and replaced with His truth.
I don’t have a way to ‘wrap it all together in a pretty bow’ but it’s the story I have to tell. It’s beautiful to see how love was the Lord’s first step in His rescue mission for me.
He saw my heart hardening and drowning in hurt so He stepped in with love to bring stillness and restoration.
He saw me drained, feeling hopeless and He loved me first. He even sent people to love me!
If you get anything from this blog post, it’s that You are born to be loved by Jesus. It’s His first step in e v e r y t h i n g !
He’s a God who just wants to love us no matter where we’re at emotionally, physically, or spiritually.
